so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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