Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
