he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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