I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
