Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
