my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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