Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
