I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
