Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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