you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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