I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
