i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How's work?
Spinning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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