im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
is it fun? or sober?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
