i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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