Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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