I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
