And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
