You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
