after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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