TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we're making bets on your personal life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
