Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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