i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
