I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
