i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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