life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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