I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
