Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
