I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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