Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
