and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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