I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
