giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just want nice things and good sex
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My feet surprised me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize