he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
