I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
