Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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