I can't breathe out the right side of my face
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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