so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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