k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
