I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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