were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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