Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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