there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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