Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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