I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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