Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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