I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
