It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
