no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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