Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
