I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
