Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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