I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
