I just saw a hot homeless man
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
