dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
