Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
