i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
